31 déc. 2012
On peut plus vous laisser dominer le monde: Rule Britannia!
To the citizens of the United States of
America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
2T & H2’s Amsterdam Xmas Weekend - Part 2: The return of Malevitch on U.Z.I. & an awesome bike ride
In the nick of time! I
wasn’t going to let 2012 run out without following up on the much promised Part
2 of the Amsterdam Xmas debrief. It’s also the post that ties the second
highest yearly total of 129 posts in 2006. Now we’re talking!
On Saturday, we
figured we’d finish up the Xmas shopping and go to the Stedelijk museum. Of
course, I wanted to spize things up a little bit, being in Dam and all. I found
this little “bonbon” at a coffeeshop:
Too bad you can’t see
it when you zoom in on the picture but in very small print it reads “full
effect after two hours”. So I thought to myself: “Sounds perfect, by that time
I’ll be in the middle of the museum”. Usually, I’m not a big fan of weed food,
because the taste is usually too weird but this bonbon was delicious, all
chocolate taste no weird weed flavor. Anyways, we eat, smoke n’ go and off we
were to the museum.
I was quite pleased
from my education on Malevitch thanks to U.Z.I. and was able to see a bunch of
his art:
Even a little Picasso:
Et sinon j’ai aussi bien tripé sur celui-là de Constant:
A la fin y avait des trucs bien gore comme ça :
Mais sinon, l’histoire la plus golri qui m’est arrivé c’est quand
le bonbon a fait son full effect en plein milieu du musée. J’ai commencé a
vraiment bien tripé sur quelques tableaux dont celui de Constant et puis ca m’a
frappé d’un bon coup et je me suis dit : « Bon, la, jvais me poser 30
secondes laisser passer le truc ». Dans
la plupart des pieces du musée y un banc au milieu de la salle. Seulement dans
celle où j’étais il n’était pas en bois le banc mais en métal. Je ne me pose
pas trop de questions … étant en grosse montée de weed bonbon … et je m’assois.
Et là, j’entends un petit bruit de metal qui se plie un peu, et donc je me
penche un peu sur le côté et je vois un panneau sur la base du banc « please
don’t touch » … Euuuhhhh…… Well,
actually, I’m fucking sitting on this bench, that’s a little more than touching
it. Je
me lève immédiatement, trop la honte mais je vois pas trop de monde en train de
mater donc je trace dans l’autre salle je retrouve H2 et je lui chuchotte :
« I just sat on art, i think the bonbon hit me pretty hard » et là je
suis mort de rire. Ahahaha what a fucking good bonbon.
On our last day we
were planning on maybe going to watch the Hobbit (our train wasn’t until 7pm),
but we opted for something a lot more fun instead: renting bicycles!!
We first went straight
to Vondelpark and Museumplein to get the classic IAMSTERDAM picture (you can
see our 2 little red bikes on the right):
Then we biked all
around places away from the center where we never usually walk around:
We even found the
Barney’s (one of the best coffees) as a bonus just by getting lost riding
around the canals. It just was an awesome day to bike around and make little
pit stops for munchies such as this one:
We ended our little
tour back in Vondelpark for our last smoke before we returned the bikes, got
our stuff and started heading for the train station. Of course, it was a blunt,
and I think you can tell by this picture that I timed it pretty perfectly:
It was such a great
trip, I can’t wait to back there next year for the third edition of 2T-H2’s
Amsterdam Xmas Weekend!
Et je peux vous garantir que je zappais trop aps :
Bonne année les fombles !
Fomblosquat : reveillon avant l’heure
Etaient présents : notre hôte, le CSDPP, le CC, le CPSAV, le CN, le CNPDD ainsi que la CdB et Heather (qui n’a toujours pas de comité/sobriquet, c’est limite scandaleux).
Le contre-reveillon s’amorça par deux superbes plateaux charcuterie/fromage arrosés d’excellent bordeaux. Eh oui chez le Payz, le saumon fumé et autre mets ayant séjourné (même brièvement) dans de l’eau salée sont interdits.
Les nièces du Tregore ayant été gatées par le père Noël, dans le salon trônait un magnifique babyfoot smoby auquel nous ne sûmes résister bien longtemps. La partie s’engage : best of 7, a chaque but encaissé échange attaque/défense.
L’équipe déous+chacal défonce ses adversaires. 4 parties gagnées de suite et 0 buts encaissés. Dépité, le CPSAV a recours à maintes tricheries afin de marquer quelques piteux points. Son stratagème (incliner le babyfoot) finit par payer. L’équipe gruge (Nelson + Captain) gagne quelques parties avant de se faire ouster par Payz et Déous.
S’ensuit une partie de trivial poursuite. Déjà un problème se pose : comment faire 3 équipes avec 7 joueurs. Collectivement nous décidons que Payz est le maillon faible (en raison de sa propension à partir travailler en plein milieu de partie) et il rejoint l’équipe CPSAV + CdB.
Récapitulatif des équipes :
Equipe tocard : CSDPP + CPSAV + CdB
Equipe gruge : CC + Heather
Equipe zero : CN + CNPDD
Malgré les nombreuses irrégularités ayant entaché la victoire de l’équipe tocard (réponses incomplètes, lancés de dés pipés, selection de question) il faut saluer la belle performance du tandem CdB - CSDPP. Victoire volée mais non totalement deméritée cependant.
Cimer a Payz pour l’accueil, au CC for the ride, et à tout le monde pour la bonne bouffe et le vin!
29 déc. 2012
Jazz Hands Doesn't Give a Fuck!
Bref, voici de quoi vous adresser un tres cordial et collectif "bouge!"
Les jazz hands me font pas du tout mais alors pas du tout marrer.
Je zap aps.
Zero
PS: Payz on apporte quoi demain? tu veux que je me charge du fromage et de l'appareil a raclette?
28 déc. 2012
Mini Zero-Zappeurs
Chussa!!!
The 2 sweetest little things in the whole wide world. Devant chez nous, 725 Navy Street.
When are you uncle Zappers coming to play with us in California?
Sophie, California girl with a French touch. Samedi matin, farmers market, huitres fraiches servies par Christophe et Sebastien. Prises le matin meme a Carlsbad.
Mini squale commence a gerer la marche dans le sable. Pour les tontons zappeurs, le premier anniv' c'est le 10 janvier. :-)
Sophie's 4th, yes 4th, birthday party at Hotchkiss Park. Ici presents cousin Shemsu et cousin ritalo-canadian-angeleno Antonio.
Pas plus tard que ce matin au Venice Pier. C'etait trop chanme, on voyait Point Dume au nord, Palos Verdes au sud, Big Bear enneige a l'est, Hollywood sign entre les 2, des bonnes vagues en premier plan en regardant les montagnes enneigees, et tout ca avec 100% de visibilite. Dommage que le iphone 3 rend pas!
If you squint real hard you can almost see the snow capped mountains of Big Bear in the background. On voit bien les surfeurs par contre.
Sophie un matin decide de partir dans le Pacifique a la rame. Trop golri!
Bon alors, je l'aurais fait ce post quand-meme!!
Je profite du peu de temps qui reste pour poster les photos des seuls petits zappeurs qui crapahutent actuellement sur cette planete. Evidemment, ca va pas durer ce qui est trop buen!!
TROP de pures nouvelles que Misako soit enceinte. Je kiffe, je kiffe, je kiffe!!
En revanche, PENALITE DE CHEZ PENALITE, PAPA RENFL, de l'avoir appris par l'intermediaire de mon appel telephonique a Jbeu qui me dit que tu l'as mis sur le blog et qui a aussi dit que j'etais un gros zappeur de pas avoir capte. Je vois aps de post en soi donc ca a du etre un comment dans un autre post. Ca, c'est puer de chez puer!!
En tout cas, chussa a tous. Kiffez bien la raclette chez Payz dimanche.
Zero,
Secri & Family
27 déc. 2012
At work
This is what my office feels like today:
C'est mort de chez mort et ya personne pour faire un bowling!
Zero
C'est mort de chez mort et ya personne pour faire un bowling!
Zero
25 déc. 2012
H & 2T’s Amsterdam Xmas Weekend - Part 1: Good smoke, good food and a unicorn
Merry
Christmas bande de fomblards! Hope you are all enjoying some nice foie gras and
good french wine (Oops … zolde Komar and Secra), got some nice presents (stoked
for my 2hrs of golf lessons and my leatherman tool), and are ready to finish
the year in zerozap style. As promised, here is a recap of my annual pilgrimage
to my favorite city in Europe. I have a decent amount of pictures so I’ll split
this up in two posts starting with the trip there, coffeeshops and food.
After an effortless
ride on the Thalys (I can’t believe I drove every time all those years), we got
to Amsterdam Centraal Station a little bit before noon. Next stop is my trusted Marriott with its awesome king size beds.
Ah Leidseplein! I had missed
you. Next stop, Rookies for a little Rookies special. Not bad but not even
close to the Chocolope, Casey Jones and El Gray I got from the Gray Area a
little later. When we got out of Rookies, we naturally went straight to find a
restaurant (a little thai place we went to last year), but on the way I took my
first picture of this trip. It was the perfect random picture to take when you
get out of your first coffeeshop in Amsterdam:
After the re-up at the
Gray (unfortunately the place is so small it’s always impossible to smoke there,
we found a nice this nice window table at this other coffee close by.
(bien kiffante la petite table juste a la fenetre sur le canal)
After that, we were in
the perfect state to do our Christmas shopping for the family. The only way to
not hate Xmas shopping is to do it really high, works for me. After some
efficient walking around we rewarded ourselves with this
Pre-rolled 0.8 pure J
of Dolphin Haze … ouais c’etait venere. We needed a few hours after that to get
ourselves back into shape for dinner. H found, as she usually does, a nice not
too expensive restaurant that I’d definitely recommend. Buens. I love
how the waitress gave us a nice 1 minute spiel of the specials and shit in
Dutch before we could tell her I didn’t speak Dutch. That actually happened at
every other place we went to. I guess H’s blonde hair help us not look like tourists right off the bat, until they start talking and we're both looking at them like a meme face.
Then, check out these awesome pitchers at the Mexican restaurant the following night
Another coffee I really liked just because of the Nico Bellic atmosphere and the fact there's never anybody in it. It had some pretty good rules posted too:
Finally, the last coffeeshop highlight was stumbling
on the Barney’s on the last day where we treated ourselves to a pure J of
Liberty Haze (2011 cup winner):
I’ve got a part 2 coming a bit later that’ll include a
return of Malevtich and an awesome bike ride. H and I wish you all a Merry Christmas
from a hole in the wall!
(picture taken in a pub actually called “The Hole In
The Wall”)Zero
21 déc. 2012
Live from Sydney...
We haven't heard from anyone in Australia for almost 24 hours....
This live feed just came in...
Brace yourselves... things don't look so good !
Zero
This live feed just came in...
Brace yourselves... things don't look so good !
Zero
20 déc. 2012
6 more to go ...
Si on veux essayer de battre le total de posts pour 2011 il faut que les deux choses suivantes se passent:
1) Il faut encore six posts apres celui-la.
2) Que ca soit pas la fin du monde demain.
Entre temps, voici encore des random photos de mes smatfombles de ces trois dernieres années:
1) Il faut encore six posts apres celui-la.
2) Que ca soit pas la fin du monde demain.
Entre temps, voici encore des random photos de mes smatfombles de ces trois dernieres années:
1976 Jeep de mon beau-père que j'ai conduite sur une route de canyon.
Le In - N - Out de LAX, arrêt obligé avant de quitter la Californie cet été. J'en avais pas encore fait jusqu'a ce qu'on parte donc the stop was mnadatory.
Et une bonne tof de 4 fomblards et heureusement pour leurs gueules ils zappent trop aps.
Zero
2T
17 déc. 2012
Monday random pics from across Europe
March 2011 - Germany, Munich
December 2010 - France - Mateo & I braving it out in wet cold Paris after an awesome meal at fajitas. (photo courstesy of K-Lobster)
February 2011 - UK - Client meeting up in Manchester, was one of my favorite "hassle-free" clients ... and they didn't seem to like hiring men.
April 2012 - Croatia - Little bar right on the cliffs of the Dubrovnik city walls, trop buen
Zero,
2T
14 déc. 2012
We'll be at the Dam'
J'ai enfin mis toutes les photos de mes smartfombles de ces trois dernières années sur mon ordi, et je commence avec Amsterdam 2011.
Zolde Renfl ton invitation pour un zerosquat ce Samedi ça nous aurait bien tenté mais on sera a Dam en mode un peu voyage anniversaire. L'année dernière le weekend avant Noel on est parti à Dam et c'était notre premier petit voyage. Donc je me suis dis cette année rebelotte mais cette fois on y va en train. J'ai trop hâte bordel. C'est assez marrant, je suis allé à Dam facilement plus de 15 fois voir plus 20 et c'est la premiere fois que j'y vais en train. En tout cas, comme d'hab la petite chambre au Marriott avec le lit qui fait la superficie de notre chambre, ca va être trop le kiffe.
Par contre elles sont vraiment nulles mes tofs. Pour cette édition 2012 je vais essayer de plus assurer et de vous trouver au moins une pute, un coffe et un velo.
Zero
Inscription à :
Articles (Atom)